The end of November brings rain
Beetles crawl out of the moistened soil
"There are already lots of kids!"
She says with urgent excitement
Having grown out of my childhood courage
I watch as they swat grasses with fallen sticks
Provoking flight
And leaping through dusk air
While a zinga of water traps their next meal
Monday, December 20, 2010
Vanity Fair
*So my palm-tickler stoped by while I was tweaking this piece. In my limited Malagasy I told him it was about men and women. I found it ironic - maybe he thought the poem was about him - and partially it is. The angry part of the quiz for comic relief.
*He is not allowed to visit me at my house anymore by the way. I'm pretty sure that whenever I went to the market and his friends saw me, they would go tell him and then he would end up visiting. Not cool. So I finally went and told the people at the commune office and they went to him with the commune police saying he couldn't come around anymore.
I always wondered what I'd look like with a shaved head
It seems so easy
No dealing with curling irons or straighteners
Shower time cut in half
All I'd need are some clippers
What do you think y'all?
Could I pull off the G.I. Jane Demi Moore look?
Or maybe Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta?
Could I be the
No-I-don't-have-hair bad-ass
Dying in a blaze of gunfire
But only after I have seduced you in ways that you've only imagined
Could I be a type of sexy like that?
Nope
No, I'm too scared
'Cause what if my head is a wonky shape
Or it never grows back the same length
Or what if people think I'm sick
That cancer is my hairdresser
And the only beauty they see in me
Is because they think I know more about life than they do
Why give up my hair
My one vanity
My beauty like that?
And besides
I'm afraid it wouldn't make a difference
I'm afraid I'd still be beautiful
Still have to ignore cat calls
And learn to speak rejection
Like I learned that
Below here, you're a prude
But above here, you're a slut
Call me shallow
Call me a bitch too obsessed with looks
Tell me beauty is only skin deep
And what matters is inside
Tell me of course I don't believe in plastic surgery
Because I'm already beautiful
That I do not know what it feels like
To break mirrors
That repeat time and time again
That this world is not fair
Call me vain
Call me anything but pretty
Tell me anything but beauty
Becuase beauty is cat calls and rejection
It's learning to yell fire
Becasue no one responds to
No, Help or
"Stop!"
It's skipping meals to go to the gym
A guilty binge with a painful purge
And still two inches away from looking like her
Jealousy and competition
Tainting bonds of friendship
Of sisterhood
It's unearned privileges
And the constant struggle
To prove you have a brain
It's swallowing pride
Facing the reality
That you are one of the lucky ones
One of the lucky ones
That only gets gropped and grabbed
Only belonging to lustful thoughts
And unwanted stares
One asking each and every day
How can I trust you or any of your brothers?
I wish I were plain
I wish years of this shit
Hadn't made me this way
I'd donate my vanity
To the Locks of Love
My smooth skin
To the puberty impared
And to the woman buying anit-wrinkle cream
In Walgreens
As for the cross-dressing man
Awaiting surgery
Every curve would go to her
I'd give away all these things
People told me were beautiful
If it would allow me even a moment's rest...
But I'm afraid it wouldn't make a difference
*He is not allowed to visit me at my house anymore by the way. I'm pretty sure that whenever I went to the market and his friends saw me, they would go tell him and then he would end up visiting. Not cool. So I finally went and told the people at the commune office and they went to him with the commune police saying he couldn't come around anymore.
I always wondered what I'd look like with a shaved head
It seems so easy
No dealing with curling irons or straighteners
Shower time cut in half
All I'd need are some clippers
What do you think y'all?
Could I pull off the G.I. Jane Demi Moore look?
Or maybe Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta?
Could I be the
No-I-don't-have-hair bad-ass
Dying in a blaze of gunfire
But only after I have seduced you in ways that you've only imagined
Could I be a type of sexy like that?
Nope
No, I'm too scared
'Cause what if my head is a wonky shape
Or it never grows back the same length
Or what if people think I'm sick
That cancer is my hairdresser
And the only beauty they see in me
Is because they think I know more about life than they do
Why give up my hair
My one vanity
My beauty like that?
And besides
I'm afraid it wouldn't make a difference
I'm afraid I'd still be beautiful
Still have to ignore cat calls
And learn to speak rejection
Like I learned that
Below here, you're a prude
But above here, you're a slut
Call me shallow
Call me a bitch too obsessed with looks
Tell me beauty is only skin deep
And what matters is inside
Tell me of course I don't believe in plastic surgery
Because I'm already beautiful
That I do not know what it feels like
To break mirrors
That repeat time and time again
That this world is not fair
Call me vain
Call me anything but pretty
Tell me anything but beauty
Becuase beauty is cat calls and rejection
It's learning to yell fire
Becasue no one responds to
No, Help or
"Stop!"
It's skipping meals to go to the gym
A guilty binge with a painful purge
And still two inches away from looking like her
Jealousy and competition
Tainting bonds of friendship
Of sisterhood
It's unearned privileges
And the constant struggle
To prove you have a brain
It's swallowing pride
Facing the reality
That you are one of the lucky ones
One of the lucky ones
That only gets gropped and grabbed
Only belonging to lustful thoughts
And unwanted stares
One asking each and every day
How can I trust you or any of your brothers?
I wish I were plain
I wish years of this shit
Hadn't made me this way
I'd donate my vanity
To the Locks of Love
My smooth skin
To the puberty impared
And to the woman buying anit-wrinkle cream
In Walgreens
As for the cross-dressing man
Awaiting surgery
Every curve would go to her
I'd give away all these things
People told me were beautiful
If it would allow me even a moment's rest...
But I'm afraid it wouldn't make a difference
If mechanics wrote love haikus
I only crash cars
That belong to my close friends
My record is clean
First car: age sixteen
Silver Honda Accord
It was a death trap
I learned to shift gears
By the feel of it: Listen,
Now let out the clutch
Then, from grey to blue
Angst became my fuel
Shifting with every impulse
Red, fast and wild
A Toyota Celica
Perfectly fitting
Too eager, too young
Overheated and broken
I'm no mechanic
Then I saw, I saw..
A Chilean stallion
A fable creature
You, my Elanore
Shilby GT 500
Unattainable
We had a nice ride
Cruising, Blasting rhythms of
"I love you so much"
It's hard to describe
Shifting into happiness,
Into your great light
You, fable creature
You have an amazing light
Of course you must share
I will wait for you
There are those who need your light
You must go to them
And you went to them.
I can only wait for so long
Before I must shift
It was a hard choice
Either I abandoned you
Or gave up my dreams
My dreams of travel
To find a me beyond men
To take time to walk
Desperate, I waited...
But to walk, one cannot wait.
It was a hard choice.
Unknown direction
Taking in my surroundings
Aimlessly, I walk
A poor man's Lexus
There, rusting in the hot sun
Awaiting new paint
That belong to my close friends
My record is clean
First car: age sixteen
Silver Honda Accord
It was a death trap
I learned to shift gears
By the feel of it: Listen,
Now let out the clutch
Then, from grey to blue
Angst became my fuel
Shifting with every impulse
Red, fast and wild
A Toyota Celica
Perfectly fitting
Too eager, too young
Overheated and broken
I'm no mechanic
Then I saw, I saw..
A Chilean stallion
A fable creature
You, my Elanore
Shilby GT 500
Unattainable
We had a nice ride
Cruising, Blasting rhythms of
"I love you so much"
It's hard to describe
Shifting into happiness,
Into your great light
You, fable creature
You have an amazing light
Of course you must share
I will wait for you
There are those who need your light
You must go to them
And you went to them.
I can only wait for so long
Before I must shift
It was a hard choice
Either I abandoned you
Or gave up my dreams
My dreams of travel
To find a me beyond men
To take time to walk
Desperate, I waited...
But to walk, one cannot wait.
It was a hard choice.
Unknown direction
Taking in my surroundings
Aimlessly, I walk
A poor man's Lexus
There, rusting in the hot sun
Awaiting new paint
Haiku titled: Where there are no text books
Ny mpianatra
Tsa maintsy manoratra
Mba mahay tsara
Roughly translated:
The students
Must write
In order to know
Tsa maintsy manoratra
Mba mahay tsara
Roughly translated:
The students
Must write
In order to know
Untitled
Dear family,
I know there is an 8 hour time difference between here and the states but why haven’t you called?
I’ve already been done a month…
Whatever
Anyway
Listen
You know how we imagined African winter to be warm
Skirt, shorts and t-shirt weather?
Yeah, Disney fucking lied!
They lied about the whole dry thing too
Life is completely different here
Let me tell you about the kabone
It’s a big hole in the ground
Built around it you’ve got walls, a roof
And a door that doesn’t quite shut all the way
Stand on the floor, squat and aim for a hole about the size of your foot
An outhouse essentially
But you know how if you drop your phone down the toilet…
You can bite the bullet; reach in there and save it?
Here it would be more like biting a grenade to go back for a fallen comrade…
Fuck no, that shit is lost forever!
I can’t remember how to eat with a fork
I maybe shower twice a week
In half a bucket of river water
I haven’t told you about the rice-patties yet
Imagine field after field of stagnant water
Swimming with feces from cows, pigs, chickens, dogs and humans
There are narrow pathways to get through them
But you feel like you’re playing that lava game as a kid
You Will Die if you fall in!
Do you remember how you felt the first time you aced a test?
Or drove a car alone without crashing?
Or the Rocky movie – when he gets to the top of the stairs?
That’s how I feel every time I manage to come home not covered in mud
I remember sitting in an air-conditioned burger joint
Stuffing my face with the most delicious combination of
Meat, cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, lettuce, ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise
Ever smashed between two pieces of bread
And now I eat rice
Rice and cold laoka
What I wouldn’t give for a grand slam breakfast right now…
2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon, 2 sausage links, ham, 2 pieces of toast and a short stack with butter and syrup
Could you put that in a box,
Send it over for a small fortune,
So I can get it in a month?
I don’t care if the postman jacks the butter
Or the rats get at the bacon
I just want some fluffy pancakes dripping in maple goodness!
I remember walking from my car to my house in blissful silence
There were not brat kids
For 3 miles!
Yelling vazaha at me every 5 minutes!
Or singing that damn chicken song!
And you know what else I remember??
I remember when I was that little shit kid too
Annoying the hell out of everyone just because I could
I remember being a teenager
Thinking I was invincible
Too cool to listen to authority
And you know what – they are the same here
I may not understand when they ask
Tia mananihany olona ve ianao?
But I know how much weight that word carries
It’s how many kilos of comfort is created from a grandmother’s hug
It’s the pounds of ice cream it takes to heal a friend’s broken heart
It’s the amount of poetry she wrote about him before that day
Yeah, that translates
This may all sound cheesy
But Laughing Cow is equal in cost
To a phone call home
Whether it’s dolls or rocks
Kids still play out how they understand the world
Imagine who they will become
They still pluck the wings of dragonflies
Before they realize what it means
For beauty to be free
I know there is an 8 hour time difference between here and the states but why haven’t you called?
I’ve already been done a month…
Whatever
Anyway
Listen
You know how we imagined African winter to be warm
Skirt, shorts and t-shirt weather?
Yeah, Disney fucking lied!
They lied about the whole dry thing too
Life is completely different here
Let me tell you about the kabone
It’s a big hole in the ground
Built around it you’ve got walls, a roof
And a door that doesn’t quite shut all the way
Stand on the floor, squat and aim for a hole about the size of your foot
An outhouse essentially
But you know how if you drop your phone down the toilet…
You can bite the bullet; reach in there and save it?
Here it would be more like biting a grenade to go back for a fallen comrade…
Fuck no, that shit is lost forever!
I can’t remember how to eat with a fork
I maybe shower twice a week
In half a bucket of river water
I haven’t told you about the rice-patties yet
Imagine field after field of stagnant water
Swimming with feces from cows, pigs, chickens, dogs and humans
There are narrow pathways to get through them
But you feel like you’re playing that lava game as a kid
You Will Die if you fall in!
Do you remember how you felt the first time you aced a test?
Or drove a car alone without crashing?
Or the Rocky movie – when he gets to the top of the stairs?
That’s how I feel every time I manage to come home not covered in mud
I remember sitting in an air-conditioned burger joint
Stuffing my face with the most delicious combination of
Meat, cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, lettuce, ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise
Ever smashed between two pieces of bread
And now I eat rice
Rice and cold laoka
What I wouldn’t give for a grand slam breakfast right now…
2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon, 2 sausage links, ham, 2 pieces of toast and a short stack with butter and syrup
Could you put that in a box,
Send it over for a small fortune,
So I can get it in a month?
I don’t care if the postman jacks the butter
Or the rats get at the bacon
I just want some fluffy pancakes dripping in maple goodness!
I remember walking from my car to my house in blissful silence
There were not brat kids
For 3 miles!
Yelling vazaha at me every 5 minutes!
Or singing that damn chicken song!
And you know what else I remember??
I remember when I was that little shit kid too
Annoying the hell out of everyone just because I could
I remember being a teenager
Thinking I was invincible
Too cool to listen to authority
And you know what – they are the same here
I may not understand when they ask
Tia mananihany olona ve ianao?
But I know how much weight that word carries
It’s how many kilos of comfort is created from a grandmother’s hug
It’s the pounds of ice cream it takes to heal a friend’s broken heart
It’s the amount of poetry she wrote about him before that day
Yeah, that translates
This may all sound cheesy
But Laughing Cow is equal in cost
To a phone call home
Whether it’s dolls or rocks
Kids still play out how they understand the world
Imagine who they will become
They still pluck the wings of dragonflies
Before they realize what it means
For beauty to be free
Untitled
I’ve been speaking with my heart lately
She’s not happy with me
We spoke about her last lover
How she taught my fingers to play his spine the way a musician touch their guitar
How she used my chest plate as a dance floor
Dropping beats to the rhythm of his breathe
Left bruises on my neck from practicing the steps
I can still taste the sweat
Two left feet when he was gone
She took up hoe-baggin, lying and stealing instead
Just to pay the rent
No use talking to her when she’s like that
So I packed gun power down my throat
Iron gated my rib cage
Brick walled back
Collar bone booby trap
I forgot what her voice sounded like
Let the answering machine get it for so long
But there is actually a message for once
She can’t breathe
So I’ve been speaking with my heart lately
Speaking like I know where I come from
Like I know where I’m going
Like I know how to close the gap between who I am and who I want to become
Speaking honesty like it is the last thing that can save me
She’s not happy with me
We spoke about her last lover
How she taught my fingers to play his spine the way a musician touch their guitar
How she used my chest plate as a dance floor
Dropping beats to the rhythm of his breathe
Left bruises on my neck from practicing the steps
I can still taste the sweat
Two left feet when he was gone
She took up hoe-baggin, lying and stealing instead
Just to pay the rent
No use talking to her when she’s like that
So I packed gun power down my throat
Iron gated my rib cage
Brick walled back
Collar bone booby trap
I forgot what her voice sounded like
Let the answering machine get it for so long
But there is actually a message for once
She can’t breathe
So I’ve been speaking with my heart lately
Speaking like I know where I come from
Like I know where I’m going
Like I know how to close the gap between who I am and who I want to become
Speaking honesty like it is the last thing that can save me
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